Married Life: Gone Fishing

THIS MARRIED LIFE - GONE FISHING

I wonder why it is easier for a man to change his diet if there is hanging, clubbing, and gutting involved. Had it been for reasons of health, there would be no change whatsoever. Yet, that is what happened to my husband. What would suddenly cause a man to be possessed by the desire to hook a living creature and reel it, I cannot even imagine.

"Honey, take a look at this!" my husband called. "What do you think?" Of course, this is just formality. He already made up his mind. It is encumbered upon me to figure out what he wants. It's like he expected me to read his mind.

"That's nice, dear." I said. The newspaper he was holding showed a sale on the nursery. "I think we can hang the tomato on the porch overlooking the yard."

"Tomato?" he asked incredulously. "What are you talking about?" Well, the advertising does show tomatoes.

"This ad you're showing me." I said.

"Oh, that." he said. Yes, that. What else could he be showing me? "I was thinking about this one, instead." He was pointing to HUNTING TOWN ad, showing the fishing tournament that is sponsored by the city.

"But, dear," I said, "we don't even have a fishing gear."

"So, we buy some." he said. "How hard can it be?" Oh, no. Here we go again. Didn't his experience in turkey hunting (read: no turkey) taught him anything? Why do I have to go through this all over again?

"So, you want to go fishing?" I asked.

"Sure, wouldn't you?" he asked.

"No, I don't." I said. "I want to sit here in this couch and watch TV!"

"Haha, you're funny." he said. "Get ready, we'll be going in 10 minutes." Like I said, asking me the question is just formality. What he wants, he gets.

<hr>

"Have you seen anything more exciting that these?" my husband asked belatedly. We were surveying several fishing rods. I really can't tell the difference between them, although I can definitely say that if I have to name a brand name for a fishing rod, it wouldn't include the word "ugly" in the name.

"Yes, dear." I said. "I believe shopping at the mall would be more exciting." Don't you just love the mall? I mean the atmosphere is so welcoming there. I just love browsing through the goods. Just window shopping.

"Look at this!" my husband is just like a child with his new toys. "This one is made of graphite."

"That's nice." I guess they stopped making fishing rods from bamboo a long time ago.

"And this one is made from carbon fiber." he said. "Very light."

"That's nice." As far as I'm concerned, one black rod is as good as the other. Except maybe the price.

"Can you tell which one is better?" asked my husband. Since he's not a fisherman, he didn't know either.

I went over and looked at the price. The graphite one was cheaper. "I like this one, dear."
"Ha," he said. "That shows you how much you know." Well, then why did you ask? "This one is better." he was handling the expensive rod like he already owned it. "This one is carbon fiber, see?"

"I see." I see that it was made of carbon fiber. I fail to see how that was better.

"Carbon fiber is very light." my husband said. "It's great."

I picked up the graphite one. It was very light. "I don't see why this one is bad. It's very light."

"Yes, but this is lighter." he said.

"Well, I really don't see why this is bad." I said. "It's already light. Why should we go lighter?"

"To catch big fish." he said.

That doesn't make sense. Lighter means more fragile. It means the lighter model is not suitable for catching big fish. "Doesn't that mean the rod will break?" I asked. "It's too light!"

"Nonsense" he said. "You don't get tired too quickly when you use the light fishing rod."
"I really don't see why it would be so tiring." I said.

"Well, why don't you get it, then? Then you'll see." he said.

"Why should I get it?" I asked. "You don't expect me to go fishing with you, right?" The way I see it, he goes fishing and I stay at home, watching TV. Win-win. Alas, it was too easy.

"Of course, you'll get one." he said. "I wouldn't go fishing without my favorite wife."

"Then don't go fishing." I said, offering a perfectly reasonable argument. "I don't like to pull hooks out of their mouth anyway." Fish are icky little creatures that are best left alone, or at least, let somebody else cook them for you.

"But the competition!" said my husband. "Don't forget that!" I didn't forget. It's just that I'd rather watch TV.

"Yes, dear." I said. "What's the prize?"

"A picture on the newspaper." he said. "Hey, about this?"

That's it? A picture on the newspaper? Then why bother?

A clerk was approaching us. "How are you guys doing?" he asked politely.

"We're fine, thanks." I said politely. "Why do you stop carrying bamboo fishing poles?" Okay, so I'm a cheapskate. I really don't see the point of purchasing carbon fiber fishing pole when some cheap bamboo rod will do.

"Oh, but we do." the clerk said. "It's over there by the fly-fishing section."

"Fly fishing?" I asked. Why would anybody would fish a fly is beyond me. Perhaps it is a new sport. Having run out of fish, people would cast for bugs.

"Sure." the clerk said. "Please come this way." He led us to the back row where they have various feathers on display. "That there are the flies, and this here are the tools to make them. The rods are over there."

Oh, silly me. The flies are the bait. So, they're not fishing flies. They're tying flies to attract fish. "Do fish actually eat flies?" I asked.

"Sure. They eat all kind of bugs." the clerk said. "These various feathers mimics different insects, so depending on the fish you want to catch, you use different feathers."

My husband was looking very happy. He was eyeing the fly tying equipment. It's not that he's a fan of fly fishing, but anything that looks like new and shiny mechanical toys would hold his interests greatly.

"We have a DVD that explains everything." said the clerk helpfully. Thank you. However, what I need for now is something to distract my husband so that he does not purchase the tying equipment. Most likely, it will end up collecting dust in the basement before long.

"Do you have a beginner set?" I asked. Perhaps it would be cheaper, and does not involve buying expensive toys.

"Sure." the clerk said. "You want bamboo rod, is that right?"

"Yes, that's right."

"Well, the beginner set does not come with bamboo rod." the clerk said. "But you can purchase it separately." How come the beginner set does not come with bamboo rod? Unless, the rod they're packaging is cheaper than bamboo. That does not make sense. What could be cheaper than bamboo?

"What kind of rod does it come with?" asked my husband.

"Oh, it's standard rod." the clerk said. "I think it may be glass rod."

"The rod is made of glass?" I asked. It certainly sounded like it would be brittle. Is there a fishing rod made of glass?

"Fiberglass." said the clerk. Oh, why didn't you say so in the first place? "It's pretty cheap rod, although it serve its purpose. That way you won't care if it breaks."

"So, it breaks easy?" I asked.

"Of course, not." the clerk said. "Well, not while fishing. Remember, though, that this is for beginner. Kids, mostly. They may play with it, or perhaps sit on it. Then it may break."

"Wouldn't the rod break if the fish is big?" I asked.

"Not really." the clerk said. "The fishing line would break first."

"The string looks pretty thick." observed my husband. "I don't think it will break easy."

"Oh, that." the clerk said. "It's thick so that it doesn't snap when you cast it. You're right. It doesn't break easy." My husband smiled. He must be happy because he's right about something. "That's why you put in a leader on the line."

"A leader?" I asked.

"A regular fishing line between the casting line and the fly." said the clerk. "That way if the fish is too big, the leader line would break, and not the rod."

"Makes sense." I said.

"It's all in the DVD." said the clerk. "So, you want to get the kit and the DVD?" He was looking all ready to close the sale. I must say that if I actually want to buy a fishing set, he had put forth a very convincing pitch. I have completely forgotten that my husband actually wanted to buy one. In fact, come to think of it, my husband was probably ready to whip out his credit card. "If you buy today, that's 50% off!"

"It's very popular with everybody, I'm sure." I'm getting onto the way these sales people try to off load their merchandise. Maybe I can work here and sell something.

"Ah, not really." the clerk looked embarrassed. "Usually people just buy the regular set." He indicated the section we were in. "Not too many people are interested in fly fishing around here."

"Why not?" I asked.

"Well, tying flies is really rather inconvenient. Also, there is a skill involved in casting." Here he made some wide casting motion that was all over the place. He was gyrating wildly. No wonder people don't like it. It looks complicated, at least. "And the reeling is also less convenient. All manual."

"The reeling is manual?" I asked. "Does that mean the regular fishing gear is automatic?"

"Not push button automatic." the clerk said. "But it's certainly easier to do. You just push button to cast, then release the button to lock it, and let the rod do the work. Very much fool proof."

"Then why would people want to use fly fishing? If you don't mind my asking." I feel sorry for the clerk. It must be hard trying to sell goods nobody wants.

"The equipment is strong, and solid." the clerk said. "Also, there is nostalgia involved. Not to mention that some people have highly developed fishing skill that they can have more control with manual gear than automatic ones." So, there are good reasons to get it, after all. Maybe I shouldn't feel sorry about it. "But for most people, the normal set is easier to use."

"Well, let's get the normal set, then." I said. Mind you, my husband has never fished before, and neither have I.

"Sure." the clerk said. "I can show you what's really selling here. Not to mention, they're discounted 50% off!" Never fail to mention sale price any chance you get. Got it loud and clear. "If you stock up now, you can really save a bundle!"

"Stock up what?" I asked.

"The fishing set!" the clerk said.

"The set is not complete?" I asked.

"Well, the set is complete, in the sense that you have everything you need." the clerk said. "But there are other items that make your fishing experience much more enjoyable, and I think you should get those, as well." Okay. Let the gouge the customer session begin. This is where the platinum titanium fishing rod comes into being. Some ultra exotic materials are necessary for the optimum fishing experience.

"What else would we want?" I asked.

"At the minimum, polarized sun glasses." the clerk said. "These are special polarized sunglasses, designed to let you see past the water reflection so you can see the fish under water."

"Water does reflect light." I admitted. "So these glasses remove all the reflections?"

"Exactly." the clerk said. "You won't believe the difference. I couldn't believe it myself, but once I tried it, I never go fishing without it."

"That's nice." I said. "Thank you for bringing it up."

"My pleasure." the clerk said. "I will be happy if your fishing experience is a great one. I, for one, wish that more people know the joy of fishing."

I don't think fishing experience can be described as joyful. Maybe peaceful. Or relaxing. Or boring. Or rod-breaking frustration. It depends on the person, I guess.

"And here it is, a beginner set." the clerk pulls out one of those all-in-one set. "Very popular."

I noticed that the rod comes in two pieces. I bring that to my husband attention. My husband happily examined it. "We want two of these." he said. "By the way, this doesn't screw."

"Oh, no." the clerk admitted. "You just push it in together. They stick well." the clerk made some firm movement. "You may want to use your knees to pull them apart." he demonstrated the movement. It does look strong.

"But, without the screw, wouldn't it come apart with the fish hanging on the hook?" asked my husband.

"Oh, no." the clerk said. "Just keep the rod vertical, and it'll be fine. It will only come off if you hold the rod horizontal." the clerk assured my husband. "So you want two of these?" the clerk picked out another one.

"How about that one?" I asked the clerk, pointing to a box, with a mini fishing rod inside."

"Oh, you don't want that one." The clerk said. "It's for kids."

"So?" I asked.

"It's telescoping rod." the clerk said. "Very poor fishing experience."

"I think it would be convenient." I said.

"Easy set up." the clerk admitted. "But poor fishing experience.

"The rod is too short," he continued. Bad tactile feedback. May as well fish with PVC pipes."

"How much does the PVC pipe version cost?"

"My wife is just joking." said my husband. "She doesn't really want PVC pipe fishing rod." I do, too! Well, depends on the price.

"We don't sell PVC pipes, ma'am" said the clerk. "You can try one of those home improvement stores." Oh, I get it. The clerk was kidding, and I, the fool woman, just went headlong into it. I don't know how my husband can detect this thing, but apparently, he was just kidding into it. So, the question is, how do I make a recovery and not be so foolish looking?

"Oh, darn." I said. "Maybe you can sell me one made of 2 by 4." Oh, brilliant recovery. I knew it was so corny as soon as I said it. The clerk only made a wry, embarrassed smile. Maybe it's not a brilliant recovery after all.

"Well," said my husband." We don't need anything else, do we?"

"I would suggest that you get these, too." the clerk brightened visibly. "You want a scale, a ruler, a nail clipper..."

"Why would we want a nail clipper?" I asked. Last time I checked, fish don't come with claws. It's not like they'd be clawing our hands. Off with your filthy hands! I'm a water based animal. None of this land lubber job on me! The fish would say. I certainly had trouble visualizing clipping nails with fish.

"Oh, the nail clipping is for the fishing line." the clerk said. "It makes a nice clipper, because it's very inconvenient if you use scissors."

"How about that, then?" I pointed out to a big wire cutter. I thought that it would make better line clipper.

"Oh, you can use that." The clerk admitted. "I use it myself."

"So you clip lines with that?" I asked.

"Yes." the clerk said. "It's very useful to have. You clip lines with it. Cut hooks. Hit the fish on the head." Wait a minute. Hit the fish on the head? Isn't that animal cruelty?

The clerk continued," I also have mine marked with notches. To check whether or not the fish is large enough."

"How large is large enough?" I asked. "And do you hit the head on small fish to make them grow?"

The clerk laughed. "Funny joke!" he said. "I think your wife is a great comedian." Well, excuse me. I'm not trying to be funny on purpose! "You hit the head on the fish to kill it. Stop it from squirming." Oh, that. "Those are the ones you keep. The small ones you let go. Catch and release."

"Must you kill them?" I asked. My husband rolled his eyes.

"Oh, no." the clerk said. "Sometimes you want to catch a lot of them, and you want to keep them fresh, but not carry a large bucket. So, you hook them on the chain and keep them in the water." He held up a chain riddled with hook loops. "You just hook the fish to these loops, and they keep fresh until you're ready to leave." Oh, what animal cruelty. First you hook them, and then you hang them. Then you tow them around. Then you drop them on the back seat of the car until they flop dead. I don't know a thing about fishing, but I don't like it already.

"Why would you want to release them?" my husband asked, "Even if they're too small?"

The clerk shrugged. "Regulations. They prohibits catching small ones to they'd have a chance to reproduce. It keeps the fish population healthy."

"Is that so?" my husband asked.

"If you want to keep all your catches," the clerk explained. "There are fish farms that are open to the public. In fact, they mostly forbid releasing any fish that are caught back to the pool. It keeps the fish ignorant as to what food is."

"Maybe we should go there, instead." I suggested to my husband.

"Haha, my wife is joking." my husband said.

"There's no sporting in those places." The clerk looked disgusted. "You can even catch them with bare hook!" He shakes his head solemnly, as if catching ignorant fish is a bad thing. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with catching stupid, ignorant fish. In fact, it would be easier, don't it?

"The thrill of fishing is man against nature!" My husband said. "Catching those fish in a farm is just like shooting fish in a barrel."

"There's nothing wrong with that." I said. "And if you get one from the supermarket, they'll even prep it for you!"

My husband and the clerk both laughed together. "My wife: the comedian." my husband declared. I take it that I just said something stupid, unintentionally. Why is it with these men? Can't they see that getting fish from the store is much more convenient than getting out to the wild and catch some?

"Won't the fish be hurt when you release them from the hook?" asked my husband.

"Oh, good question!" the clerk brightened. "See these hooks? You have to prep them."
I looked at the hooks, "They look fine to me."

"See, the hooks has barbs on them, to catch the fish." The clerk pointed out.

"Yes. I see." I said. "Isn't catching the fish the point?" What pun! Maybe I should be a comedian after all.

"Well, in catch and release situation, you don't want the barbs." explained the clerk. "So, you file them off." he made some filing motion. "We sell those, too."

"But won't the fish getaway?" I asked.

"If you keep the tension, it won't." the clerk said. "Just keep the fishing rod bend until you get the fish. Scoop the fish with the net."

"Really?" I asked.

"Sure." the clerk said. "Now some fish are tricky and go back and forth. If the fish goes to you so quick that the line goes slack, there is a possibility that the hook may come off, and the fish will got away."

"Oh, that would be bad." I said. I guess we don't want fish to get away when we fish for them.

"It happens." the clerk said. "Just keep practicing, you'll get better at it." He nodded sagely. "I can't remember the last time a fish got away from me." He bragged. Okay, maybe he didn't bragged. Just stating facts. "But it does happen occasionally. Especially in tangled situation where the fish would circle a stump and hang the lines." The clerk nodded sagely.

"Honey, how about these?" my husband was eyeing some fillet knives and cutting board pack.

"Oh, yes." the clerk smiled. "That's very handy if you want to eat what you catch immediately."

"Why would we want that?" I asked.

"There's nothing better than grilling a fresh caught fish!" the clerk declared. "We also sell some portable grills." He was rubbing his hands eagerly. "And they're 50% off!"

My husband looked at me like a kid in a candy store. "Okay. That's enough." I said to my husband. "We're done here!"

Total words: 3526

"Let's get some clothing." my husband said.

"Why would we want some new clothes?" I asked. "We're going fishing! We don't need new clothes!" Honestly, these specializations are getting into me. Specific clothes for swimming, biking, golfing. Golfing! Why do you need funny pants to golf?

"These are specialized for fishing, see?" said my husband.

"So, what's the difference?" The only difference that I can see is the price. We can get 3 shirts from regular stores. 4 if they're on sale.

"See, this material?" my husband was rubbing his fingers on the shirt. "See how smooth and thin this is?"

"Yes?" Well, they are shiny, and silky.

"These dries out quick. So, you can get wet and not catch a cold." my husband said. I may be mistaken, but as I understand it, you get some fishing rod so that you don't get into the water. Therefore, you stay dry. Unless I'm missing something and that there's a new fishing technique that involves diving into the river before casting the line.

"Do you expect to get wet?" I asked my husband.

"No, I don't." said he.

"Well, then why get it at all?" I'm the official cheapskate in the family. My husband is the big spender. One who has it all.

"It's a fishing shirt! It makes for a complete set!"

"If you're not getting into the water, then we don't have to get it. Why don't you wear your favorite t-shirt? It'd be just as good." I purposely inject his favorite t-shirt for a reason. It's a subtle hint that maybe he will have a good time doing it. A little subterfuge on my part.

"Are you sure that's enough?" he asked.

"Of course."

"All right, honey. I guess you're right." my husband said.

Thank you. Now, we don't have to get into this buy new shirt business. We can save some money after all.

"Let's get the fishing pants. instead." my husband said.

Or maybe not. Sigh.

"Look, honey. These come with pockets." my husband said.

"Yes, dear." the pants do come with big pockets. "Maybe you can stuff the big clipper into it."

"Haha, you're funny." my husband said. "I'm glad you're having fun." Am I? "Maybe you can get some fishing pants, too?"

"Why should I?" I asked. "I won't be getting into the water."

"Maybe the fish is stubborn and we need to get into the water to catch the fish." my husband said.

"I will leave such thing to you, dear." I said. "After all, you're the one with fishing pants!" I'd rather let the fish go than go into the water and melt. Did I say melt? I meant, I may catch a cold of something. How? I don't know. Something about wet ankle and me that doesn't mesh. The only way I get wet if I'm in to comfort of my home or maybe spa. Yes, that's about right. Massage and spa would be nice.

"Alright, then. One pair of fishing pants for me." my husband said. "Are you sure you won't get any?"

"I'm sure, dear." I just want to sit on my comfy couch and watch TV. I don't need fishing pants for that.

"How about you getting one of these fishing vests?" my husband said. Well, they do have vests.

"Why do they have so many pockets?" I asked. There's even one big pocket in the back.

"I don't know." my husband said. "To catch fish?"

"I'm pretty sure you don't stuff fish in your back pocket." I said.

"Maybe just the bait?" he offered.

"The bait?" I asked. "I thought that would go in front."

"Oh, maybe plastic ones go in front. Live one goes to the back?" he seemed unsure. Not that I worry about that. I worry about the 'live' part of the bait. There is a reason the baits are made of rubbery plastic after all.

"Live bait?" I asked.

"Oh, worms, crickets and such." my husband said non-chalantly. I tried to imagine wriggling worms in my back vest pocket. I almost fainted.

"Why don't you get it, dear?" I suggested diplomatically. My husband was all smiles.

"Well, these do look good," he said. He tossed one into the shopping cart. "How about the hat?"

"What about the hat?" I asked.

"Should we get some fishing hat?" he said.

"There are hats made just for fishing?!" That was rather hard to believe.

"Keeps shade, and sun away from you." my husband said. That does not make sense. He tossed a couple into the cart.

"What size did you get me?" I asked.

"Extra large." he said. I guess that means I'm a brainiac creature, or one with large hair do.

"Why would a hat be specialized for fishing?" I asked.

"I don't know." my husband said. "Maybe to stick hooks onto it?"

"Isn't that dangerous?" I said. "Besides, we have the vest, don't we?"

"I don't know." he admitted. "But it can shade you from the sun."

"Any hat will do." I said. "And we already have several."

"We have baseball caps." my husband said. "So, they're not hats. Trust me. All fishermen wear hats."

"Okay, then." I said. "We're done here, right?"

"Oh, I don't know." said my husband. "How about those?" he pointed to some waders.

"Waders? Why would you want that?" Sometimes my husband gets carried away.

"To keep your legs dry when fishing." he said.

"Isn't that why you're getting some fishing pants?" I said, "So that it doesn't matter if you get wet?"

A clerk was wandering. "Excuse me," I called him. "We don't need these waders to fish, do we?"

"Oh, are you going to fish in that competition?" he asked.

"Yes, we are."

"Then you don't need those." the clerk said. Thank you. Now we don't have to spend any more money.

"But what if we need to get into the water to catch stubborn fish?" my husband asked.

"Oh, you just get one of those shorts." the clerk said. "You don't go in for deeper than knee deep in water."

"We have fishing pants." I pointed out.

"Oh, that will do just as well." the clerk said.

"See?" I told my husband. "We don't need these waders!" Triumphant, I basked in my glory. The cheapskate won this round! My husband said nothing.

"Are you planning to wear those shoes when fishing?" the clerk asked.

"Oh, yes we are. Why?" I asked.

"If you plan to get into the water, I suggest some quick dry shoes." The clerk said. "Or some sandals."
Oh, that's right. We don't have waterproof sandals. We don't wear sandals in the shower.

The clerk smiled, mischievously. "We do sell some." he said. "And like all fishing items, they're 50% off!"

My husband looked at me, and well, there's nothing I could say. The spender won this round after all.

<hr>

"Let's get this camera, honey" my husband was viewing a row of electronic cameras with glee. He always does that whenever bright and shiny objects presented themselves.

"What for?" I asked.

"To take a picture of the fish!" my husband said.

"Why should we take picture of the fish?" I asked.

"Everybody takes picture of the fish." he said.

"Why?"

"I don't know." he said. "It's tradition."

"Well," I said, "Let's not get it, then." I'm saving our budget from being reduced by $450.

"But everybody takes picture of the fish!" my husband said.

"A fish look just like the other." I said. "Why would you want to take a picture of it?"

"To show pictures of the fish." my husband said. "To show people what big fish we catch."

"That's assuming we'll catch some fish." Which if the fishing newbies among us is any indication, we won't catch any.

"Of course, we'll catch some fish." my husband said. "Big ones! Trophy worthy one."

"Don't they have photographer for that?" I asked.

"Yes, they do." my husband said. "But we also want to take pictures of our own."

"We already have a camera." I said.

"Yes, but not a fishing camera." he said. Wait. What? A fishing camera? I don't know they make one. Is fishing such a big deal that there's a special camera optimized to take pictures of fish hanging from the hook? Maybe one of those picture frames built-into the picture: Biggest fish of the year. Or maybe Biggest Liar on Planet.

"Well," I said, scanning the cheap row. "How about this one then?" That one cost $15. A relative freebie considering the amount of money we were spending to catch one little fish.

"That's a cheap camera." sneered my husband.

"It's waterproof" I said. "We want one that is waterproof, right?"

"Well," my husband was scanning the premium section. "That's true." He kept looking and looking and never did he find an expensive waterproof camera. I smiled. Cheapskate won this round.

<hr>

For a town competition, the actual fishing tournament took place in some remote woodsy location. The lake had just been seeded with fish. Everybody was having a good time, except me. I pointed out to my husband that nobody wears a fishing hat except us. My husband ignored me completely.

My husband and I were casting in our assigned spot. We have a rather quiet spot to ourselves. The organizer took a quick look at our quick dry shoes and decided that a place to cast with wading pool is just right for us. Some of the other competitors ran around the lake with high speed boats. I rather question the need for going around the lake with 110 hp motorboats.

"So, how are we doing, dear?" I cast the line into the water and let it sink.

"Honey," my husband said. "I think you need to reel in the line."

"I'll reel the line when there's a fish attached." I said.

"See, this?" my husband was holding a plastic worm. "It's designed to wriggle when being pulled in the water." my husband cast the line. "So, when you reel it in gently, it wiggles in the water." he demonstrated the technique.

"If that's true, then how come you're not catching any?" I said. My husband was reeling the plastic worm at a brisk pace. If the fish was as lazy as I am, it wouldn't bother catching the energetic worm, plastic or no.

My husband rolled his eyes at me. "Do you know what we need?"

Sure, I do. "A couple of chairs?" It's true. We forgot to carry them with us. Now, we're doomed to fish while standing. I miss my couch and my TV. Why can't we have them while fishing, anyway? After all, fishing is just casting line and sitting around doing nothing.

"Haha, you're funny." my husband said. "What we need is some live bait!" Oh, those wriggly worms. Do they actually want me to hook those creatures alive? They said the wriggly ones are best. I say the plastic ones are better. They don't squirm in your hand trying to get away from some nasty end.

"I don't see why we need live worms." I said. "The plastic ones do just as well." It's not like we're going to catch some fish, after all.

"I think live worms would definitely be better." my husband said. "They're not colored yellow."

"They're brown and hard to see." I said. "Don't you think yellow is easier to see?"

"Well, the fish will have sensors, and they're attuned to live worms, not plastic ones." my husband said. Oh, right. Fishy sensors. They sound fishy to me. I should quit my job and take up new career as comedian.

"If you want some live worms," I said. "I'm sure there'd be ones around here." Fish don't get big unless they eat worms, and well, I'm sure that whatever it is they eat must be around here somewhere. My husband looked at me as if I came from Mars, well, Venus. I shrugged.

"I think we need to get some chair." I said. "I think I'll go back and get one." I really want to sit.

I reeled in my line, and it caught.

The fishing rod was bending. "Look at the lines, dear, I think I caught something."

"Probably stuck on a stump, somewhere." my husband said.

"Oh, no, I don't think so." I said. "Do you see a stump somewhere here?"

"Or maybe a rock or something." Thank you Mr. Critic. Here I catch something, and you disapprove?" Then the line skipped. My heart leaped with joy! My husband looked over me with jealousy. Yeah, who got the fish now?

My husband quickly reeled in his line and got the net. "Okay, honey," he said, "Pull the fish into the net!" Easier said than done. The fish was very stubborn.

"I'm trying, dear." I said. The fish was rather heavy. Pulling the fish step by step took a while. After a while, it seemed stuck.

"Well?" my husband asked. "Why can't you pull it?"

"It seems stuck."

"Nonsense, he said. “You can do it."

"I'm trying." I was pulling rather firmly, but I don't want to pull too hard. Maybe the fish is being clever and hid behind a stump after all.

"Here, let me do it." my husband said. I don't see how he could have fared better. Neither of us had fished before, after all. It didn't stop my husband, though. He simply grabbed my rod and took over. I really wished for that chair.

My husband was struggling, too. Apparently, he couldn't get the fish out of the stump, bush, rock, or whatever it was the fish was hiding under. "Well?" I asked my husband.

"Get the camera, honey." my husband said. "This one is a big one!"

"So, I caught a big one?" I asked. Trophy winning fish, and I caught it! "It sure is nice that my fish is a big one."

"It's not your fish, honey." my husband said. Excuse me? It's my fish. It's my rod. I caught it! "I'm the one who reels it in. So, it's my fish." This is a robbery! I'm the one who caught it. "Now bring me the net. We'll have it at any moment!"

I grumpily brought the net to him. It's my fish!

My husband was struggling mightily. The rod was bending to unholy angle. I don't think the fish is that big. My husband was humping and puffing when the rod broke. Why was I not surprised? Not the fish would just get away with no tension on the line. Catch and release, with release part being unintentional.

My husband screamed like a banshee, and grabbed the net from my hand. Then, while keeping the tension on the line, he jumped into the lake. He kept the tension while he closed in to the fish. I marveled at his tenacity and energy. He never seemed to have that kind of energy while raking the leaves on the garden. Maybe I should get some scissors and trim the leaves to the shape of the fish.

He finally got to place where the fish hid, and he maniacally plunged the net over and over trying to catch the fish. Finally, in an act of desperation, he dove into the water and yanked the line with both hand. The line got free of the stump. And at the end of the line, there hung a bright, red waterlogged sneaker.

"It's not my shoe," my husband would later said. "It's her shoe! It's her rod. It's her SISSY rod!"

But now he just stared dumbfounded at the shoe. He slowly turned and looked at me. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"Taking pictures," I smiled sweetly.

<hr>

"Nice fish, honey." my husband said. He was enjoying his meal after the day's activities.

"It's tuna, dear." I said. Too bad, it's not 50% off. After spending all that money on fishing equipment, we didn't catch any.

"Too bad, we have to cut short our fishing expedition." my husband said. Expedition? If a trip to a local lake is an expedition, then going to another town must rate a trip to the moon. "We could have won the competition, you know."

"Well," I said, "Anything is possible."

"It's true." my husband said. "Last year's winner was an amateur." Well, that part is true. But while going back to the car, I saw some of the professionals on their high powered motor boat catching some very big fish. Even if an amateur would win it, it wouldn't be with fish the size of our shoe.

"Yes, dear."

"We should have bought that fishing shirt." my husband said. "That way, the shirt will dry out quick. And we won't have to go back." Oh, right. He did dive into the lake. Why didn't I think that he would do that?

"Or that wader?" I asked. If my husband wants to go into the lake, may as well do it intentionally.

"The wader won't help." he said. "Maybe it's better to get the tube." Huh?

"The tube?" I asked.

"You know what I'm talking about." my husband said. "The one with optional motor attached." Motor? "The one by the boat section."

Oh. Okay. I know where this is going. This is where we end up selling our car in order to buy a boat more expensive than a car. "Well, dear." I said as gently as possible, "if you want to float on the lake in a tube all day, you may do that." My husband looked at me expectantly. "Of course, if you do that, then I'd have no choice but to take numerous pictures of you floating on water looking like an overgrown clown, and laugh about it."

I have a wonderful husband with a great sense of humor and he dropped the subject completely.

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